Meltdowns 101: Tips for responding to the Meltdown Intruder

(While the tips are written from a guardian-child point of view, they are also meant for self-application)

Be it in the middle of the supermarket in front of other shoppers, or be it in the privacy of your house as you remind them it's time to turn off the game, keep the phone away, or simply inquire if they already finished their homework- a meltdown is often an uninvited (and thus unwelcome) intruder in these spaces. And as is true for any intruder, it is not the owner of the house who is at fault, they are as alarmed (if not more) as you are. Just as you would not reprimand the owner, instead empathize with them, remember that your child’s emotional and physiological space has also been invaded by this meltdown intruder.

Taking a quick glimpse of this Meltdown Intruder, we know that it brings a wave of unpleasant emotions, which feel too big to handle given their suddenness and intensity. They can be triggered by as well as result in an overwhelm of sensory input. This means that loud voices/noises, bright lights, crowded areas, unpleasant textures (all or any other sensory overstimulation) can lead to or worsen a meltdown. This happens because the person's nervous system has been put on alert with this intruder and it responds to it as perceived danger. It is important to remember that while your child may not immediately be able to respond calmly or be in control, with appropriate information and strategies for both you and the child, this agency can be restored.

The typical responses to said intruder for all humans are fight-flight-freeze, hence you see aggression, crying, or even a shutdown. In the presence of this response, the executive (logical) part of the brain takes a back seat to focus the resources on physiological survival. This might look like zoning out, inability to think, or feeling overwhelmed by questions. Our goal is to learn how to soothe the nervous system when in survival mode and to ease the transition into emotional safety.

Tip #1 - Logic has left the building.

Your fight is with the intruder, not your child. In our attempt to curb the intruder at the door, we overpower the child. As their guardian, our instinct may be to remind them of social appropriateness or desired behaviour right at the initial signals of a meltdown, but that would mean requesting the owner of the house to relax while their space has an intruder.

Resist the urge to WIN this battle of stopping the intruder and helping the child understand why the intruder is unhelpful. Your tools of logic, reason, and being the guardian are essential but not in this battle. Reserve these resources, they will be helpful once the intruder leaves.

Tip #2 - Don't respond to a demand with a demand

The intruder is already making demands on the child's nervous system. Introducing additional demands or threats will only add to the state of alarm. The goal is not to stop the meltdown, but to SOOTHE the nervous system in order to later address the demands together.

E.g., Avoid "you need to stop crying", "if you continue yelling, I will leave you here", or even presenting options for the child to choose from. Instead, focus on grounding and calming techniques (elaborated in Tip #5).

Tip #3 - Acknowledge big feelings (especially if they are scary, and especially if they are your own)

An intruder doesn’t just scare the owner, but also the neighbours, making them feel embarrassed about their safety systems. Identify and acknowledge your emotions as your child experiences a meltdown. “Am I embarrassed of them yelling in the supermarket? Do I feel like a bad parent for not being able to stop it? Am I feeling disrespected?” and so on. When we are acting from these feelings, we try to get rid of the intruder because that would take these bad feelings away.

Acknowledging and reminding yourself that it is natural to feel overwhelmed yourself, will help us reorient ourselves to the common goal of calming-soothing-regulating for everybody involved.

Tip #4 - Validating emotion ≠ Approving behaviour

As guardians (or even for ourselves), we worry that if we give permission to feel overwhelmed or dysregulated, then we are also giving a free pass for the behaviours that need to be changed. However, this is completely untrue, it is possible to give permission to experience emotions while being mindful of our actions. In fact, it is only when we validate these emotions, that we understand what type of soothing our body needs. This awareness is a gateway towards changing behaviour.

Eg. “I can see that you are feeling overwhelmed and restless right now, and want to express that. Instead of hitting mum (or yourself), let's try and squeeze this cloth as tightly as we can. Let's release all of it in this cloth”

Tip #5 - Regulate, regulate, regulate..

Once we validate the overwhelm, fear, frustration, or any other emotion that is visiting, we must know how to hold and respond to these emotions. This step is one of the most important steps in managing a meltdown. Some common ways of regulating are:

• Physical holding; gentle touch, tapping, tight hugs, heavy blankets (even when by yourself- gently tap the area that feels heavy, hug your knees)

• External refocus; if the individual has palpitations, short breaths, heightened anxiety, they might be very tuned in to their internal atmosphere. Tuning out externally is helpful, eg. dipping face in ice cold water, massaging the feet, touching different textures, etc

• Breathing: there are multiple techniques to do breathwork (some are linked here). As a general rule, try to begin without changing too much, just noticing the breath as it is. After 3-4 breaths, try to lengthen the inhale and exhale. After 3-4 cycles of that, move to inhales filling up your belly and exhaling it out completely, with much longer exhales.

Tip #6 - Sensory Management

Be mindful of the sensory input that you (as a guardian) are also taking in. A meltdown is a heightened sensory stimulus for you as well, if we are mindful of that, we will use regulation strategies for ourselves.

• Our ability to regulate brings a soothing presence for the child. This means that we use softer, low pitched voices and calmer tones.

• Reduce extra noises like from TV, arguments, traffic (noise reduction helps).

• Reduce the exposure to bright lights (or any lights) if possible.

• Respect their refusal to any kind of sensory input, even if it was intended to help with regulation. Eg. For some individuals physical touch may be helpful, while for others, it might be too much.

Tip #7 - Reassurance and Aftercare.

Your final tip is about taking care of the emotional space once the intruder has left. Remember, that the space might still not be settled. A lot of kids (and adults) feel shame or embarrassment after a meltdown. Talking about the things we did incorrectly adds to that feeling. Instead, together, identify things both of you did well and that worked. For example, “I think this time it took me less time to shift to a softer voice, do you think it helped?” “What else do you think helped?”

Reassure them (and yourself) that having a meltdown is not a reflection of their strength, or a failure to stay strong. It is natural to feel overwhelmed sometimes, all of us do! Help them identify the ways in which they tried to regulate, “I noticed that you went to your room when you felt overwhelmed, you were trying to reduce all the extra stimulation. You recognised and you responded!”

Allow both the child and yourself the time for trials (and errors) that come with the process of understanding what works for both of you.